29/3/2019 vs 29/3/2020

One year ago today I spent my day blogging from a bus going from Valparaiso to the Atacama Desert in Chile. I remember that day clearly, even though it went by in a blur.

I remember having pain in my ass from sitting too long, I remember being bored because I had nothing to do. I remember trying to sleep when the boiling sun was barbequing me through the windows and I remember watching amazing landscapes through the glass. I remember listening to podcasts and pondering about my future.

One year has passed since then and it is strange how similar today is to that one last year. Today I am also cooped up inside with nowhere to go. I am bored and I listen to podcasts. My ass is hurting, but more from the exercise I did at home than from sitting in the same position for too long. The sun is out and it is hot inside, just like it was on the bus, and I still think a lot about what is to come.

It is hard to live in the present when the future is so uncertain. It should maybe make it easier, but the less I know the more my brain makes up scenarios that may or may not happen. I have too much time to think right now. The good thing about doing this on that bus was that time was limited. I would soon get out into a new adventure and thoughts about the future would have to wait. Right now I don't know how long this crisis will last so that gives me an endless amount of hours to just imagine different possibilities, get stressed about aging and about making the wrong desitions.

In reality, I regret nothing. I have done and seen so many incredible things, met fantastic people from all over the world and I have learned so much about different cultures and how to take care of myself. I would never change those experiences for anything in the world, but it is something with being back in Sweden without an education and without a job that makes me feel like I have fallen behind. It is a feeling that is hard to get rid of, even though my brain knows that it is not true. I am so far ahead in so many ways, but when it comes to society and norms, I have not been following the main path. It helps to write this down, to put words on to the emotions, because that makes them easier to understand and easier to handle.

I can't control those feelings, just as I can't control this crisis or the pace of that bus. What I can do, is making the most out of it. Use the time for writing and catching up on the news, do things at home I have forsaken because I have had more exciting things to take care of and just view things from a new perspective. I am for sure not alone in wanting to do other things and changing up what is seen as the normal way to go after school. It is epic to travel and to try new things! It is amazing to work hard and save for something huge and then spend it all on collecting memories instead of useless stuff. Why would I want a flat-screen TV when I can see things live?

So I remember that day last spring when I sat in the bus and pondered about the future, and I realize that I am grateful I did not know what was coming. If I had known this crisis was coming, it would have stopped me from doing the things I did this winter and I wouldn't have experienced this magical season in Indonesia nor would I had been a part of the Spanish quarantine. Imagine if I had stayed at my old job, I would not have any stories to tell at all!

That uneasy feeling creeping in my stomach, the anxiety and stress about being different, has gone away. Instead I feel proud. Proud of myself for doing what is right for me and not giving a flying fuck about the rest. Sure it is unsteady, not having a stable income and the safety that comes with it, but you know what? I am 24, I have been to almost every continent, I have lived in the real crisis instead of the one we see on TV and I have been sitting for two days straight on a bus in Chile. If that doesn't count for something, what does?